His plan...

As you all know I was scheduled for an amnio on Thursday Dec. 3rd and if the test came back that Elijah's lungs were mature then I would be induced that day. On Thursday Dec. 3rd I woke up at 4:30 in the morning with a strong contraction (same time I woke up with contractions with Caleb). I had been having them all week but they had become stronger and closer together. I got up and started packing, getting ready, etc. At 7:00 I called the dr. and told her what was going on and she told us to come straight to the hospital. When we got there they checked me and I was 3 cm dilated. We missed our amnio appt. as they monitored us for hours and finally around 11:30 decided that I may not dilate anymore and we should do the amnio anyway. Had the amnio at 12:30...by 1:00 I was dilated to 4 cm and they decided I was having the baby regardless of the amnio. By 5:00 I was progressing and about 5 cm. We got the amnio back that Elijah's lungs were not mature..they wanted the test to be 55 and he was 37. 7:00..dilated 7cm...8:00 got epidural (that I requested at 5 cm, they were super busy). I got a little pitocin...around 10:30 started to push and by 10:46 Elijah was born. The NICU team was in the room to take him if his lungs were not doing well. They checked him and there was no need..his lungs were great! Only issue he had was low blood sugar. What a great labor and delivery!

That's the story of Elijah's arrival. Leading up to that day we had no idea how everything would play out. We prayed and asked others to pray that Elijah's lungs would be ready and I would be induced and he could be born on Dec. 3rd. I was determined that I was not going to leave our house ready to bring home a baby and come back without one. I knew that on that day if he was not born I couldn't handle coming home again without my son. I was so scared that would happen!

Here's the thing...God didn't answer that prayer...he didn't answer the prayer that I prayed and had everyone else pray that Elijah's lungs would be developed and I could be induced that day. No he didn't because God had such a BIGGER plan for Elijah's arrival...a much BETTER plan than we could have asked for or imagined. I went into labor on my own on the day that we were expecting to have him. How crazy is that? People would say that is "ironic" I say it was God's plan! He knew that Elijah would come that day, He knew that my labor would progress quickly and I would have a great delivery. He also knew that Elijah's lungs were ready despite the fact that the amnio came back saying they weren't. What an AWESOME God we serve.

Our plans are not His plans. God knows what we need and what is best for us. Since I got pregnant with Caleb I have known that I would want to breastfeed. I see it as such an awesome bond between a mother and child. I was so excited and ready to breastfeed Elijah. Josh and I went to a class and I read what I could to prepare. What I didn't prepare for were all the things that have happened since he was born. He got a bottle of formula in the nursery because his blood sugar was so low they told us if it didn't come up they would put him in the NICU. He had several more bottles while we were there to keep his levels up to go home. We tried and tried to get him to latch on but he has had no part of it. I decided to just pump and that hasn't worked out either...timing, infection, pain etc etc. I have prayed and prayed and cried about it and asked God what I should do and He has given me peace about this...His plan is perfect. Maybe God knows that I can't handle the demands of breastfeeding. I am not very good with schedules and Josh and I are always on the go. Maybe he knows that Elijah and I would be a lot less stressed out if I didn't breastfeed. I just want to enjoy my baby! I know lots of mommies who have formula fed their babies and they are perfectly healthy. I am still trying to decide but I know that God will give me peace about what will work for us.

All this to say...in our minds we think we know what is best. We envision the perfect way that things will work out and if they don't we get upset because it wasn't what we were expecting. We pray specifically for things because we think they are what would be best for us if we got them. We prayed for mature lungs and an induction. God blessed us with a wonderful delivery but not in the way that we had asked for. I envisioned that things would be perfect after bringing Elijah home..how could they not be? I would breastfeed, there would be no problems. These first days have definetly been challenging and it's been awesome to have him home with us but it hasn't been in the way that I had envisioned. God challenges us and our faith in Him constantly. He still has His plan and though we may be disappointed that things didn't work out the way we wanted His plan is still perfect.

Elijah is a picture of perfection to us though!! We sit and stare at him in awe of what God has blessed us with. I can't explain the joy he has brought to us in the past 10 days...it's just unbelievable. He looks a lot like Caleb and reminds me of him. In some ways it's hard but in other ways I find rest that I will be able to see Caleb through him as he grows.

I have many more emotions of Elijah's birth and my grief for Caleb. It's overwhelming to have sorrow and joy in your heart at the exact same time. That will have to be in a later post though...I am tired and it's almost time for this precious baby to eat again :)

We had his first picture session for his newborn pictures today. Our photographer, Teresa, was also one of my nurses when we had Caleb and was there when I had Elijah. She took a few pics in the hospital and posted them on her blog: http://www.teresavickery.com/blog/. She has an amazing gift and I can't wait to share his pics. Here are a few more from this past week:

Love,
Miranda

**Teresa posted some pictures from our session today so when you go to her blog you will also get to see those too. They are AMAZING and we are so excited. She is the best!!!**

Elijah Michael Harris

He's here, he's really here! I have to keep saying it to myself so I will believe it! I feel like I'm in a dream. He's the most perfect thing in the world! God is soo good and I have a lot to say but right now I am exhausted and just wanted to give his birth announcement and post a few pics.

Elijah Harris, born December 3rd at 10:46 pm. He weighs 5 pds 14 oz and is 19 1/2 inches long.

Thank you, thank you, thank you for your many prayers. They have most definitely been answered and to God be the Glory for beautiful perfect little Elijah now alive and in our arms.

Grief and Grace

I had a total meltdown on Monday night. I guess the culmination of all the emotions I have been feeling just came to a point and I let it all out. Being this close to having Elijah, going through the delivery process again and hoping it to be different is totally overwhelming. I have had so much hope and faith throughout this whole pregnancy but Monday night I wasn't feeling it. For the first time in several months I began to ask God "why" again. Why did I have to lose my first son? Why couldn't Josh and I have the experience of joy and excitement for our first born child? Why was he taken from us so early? Why me? These are questions I know all mommies ask when they lose their child. In my mind and in my heart I don't really now why but have been ok with it being God's plan for our lives. Not Monday though, on Monday I wanted to be angry at God and tell Him it isn't fair! I knew I needed to turn to Him for comfort and assurance like I always do, I needed to get on my knees and I needed His word but I was too weak. All I could do was cry out to Him with anger and confusion. What if he takes Elijah too? How could I ever have faith in Him again if that happens? Why would a loving God cause one person so much pain in a lifetime?

These are the plagues of grief. Things may be going fine and you think you are handling your grief OK and then it creeps in like a thief in the night and very suddenly takes you by surprise and you lose it. I used to think that grief was just sadness but it's so much more. It can affect every area of your life. God understands my grief and when I couldn't praise Him, all I could do was ask Him to have mercy on me, he could take it. He can take it because well, he's God, but also because HE never turns His back on us. He will never forsake us or leave us and he understands the pain.

Since losing Caleb I have often asked, how does God "choose" who gets to go through the lifelong pain of losing a child? I don't understand how God chooses pain for His children. We tend to think that God should make our lives a bed of roses because we believe in Him and go to church every Sunday (or so I used to think). I have sort of always had the thought that God would even out the pain on this Earth. Of course everyone will experience pain in their lives but some will experience it more deeply than others. I have often wondered how God spared me the pain of something someone else was going through and then turn around and asked God why He didn't spare ME the pain of what I am going through. I thought that if we committed our lives to God and His works, we followed His ways then He would bless us in the things that we want and asked for. I still don't know how He chooses what pain who will go through but I do know this...it's all for His glory. God' wants to bless us and He does, just not always in the way that we expect or ask for.


"Grace is sufficient" This is God's blessing to our lives. It's that simple. His grace is sufficient. In the Bible, Paul was faithful to God and spent his life devoted to bringing His word to the nations. Yet God allowed a "thorn" to be in Paul's side. I can imagine the confusion for Paul...he was devoted to the works of the Lord and did everything he asked but still God was allowing this thorn to stay in his side. God's response? "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness" This single verse has changed my relationship with Christ. HIS grace is sufficient for me. Because of His grace all my sins are forgiven and there will be no more pain or suffering once I leave this earth. Because of His grace I will be reunited with my Caleb and get to spend eternity with him there. My life on this Earth is not about ME, it's about the glory that I can give to a God that loves me so much that He chose to let His own son die on the cross for my sins and the sins of all mankind so that we can be reunited with Him in Heaven. So if through my weakness I can glorify God then that is His plan for me and that is enough.

I also know that God's glory can be shown through blessings. There are so so many people that are praying for the safe and healthy arrival of our baby boy Elijah and we are greatly blessed by that. I strongly believe in the power of prayer and know that God hears and honors them. This time tomorrow we can very possibly be at the hospital getting prepped to have our boy and in less than 48 hours could be holding him alive and in our arms. I just can't believe it! It doesn't seem real to us and we are beside ourselves with anticipation. We have waited so long to bring our child home with us and it's finally here.

Thank you all for your love and support and prayers! We are so blessed to have you in our lives and can't wait for you to meet our precious baby boy! We will update with pictures as soon as we can!

Love,
Miranda