I am a survivor...

As I have written many times before...it never ceases to amaze me the things that people say.  I KNOW it's hard to know what to say when such tragedies happen in life and I may have been one of those people before my own tragedy but it is my hope that awareness can be spread and we can all start to become more sensitive to the tragedies of other's lives before we open our mouths or pass judgement. 
I stumbled upon this recently and wanted to share it:

from Cheryl Haggard's Blog (The Haggard Family) by Cheryl Haggard (co-founder of Now I Lay me Down to Sleep)  http://haggardfamily.blogspot.com/

So, I was wearing my Maddux necklace the other day, and a lady asked me about it. I told her that was my son, Maddux. He died three 1/2 years ago. I went on to explain about the month of October being Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month, and this was a way for me to honor him during this time...She politely nodded her head, like she understood, and then she opened her mouth. "Oh my God! I would just die if something happened to one of my children." "How did you ever survive?"    Like I ever had a choice? How many times did I say I wished death would have taken me too? That only my death could ever stop my pain? That I have three other children at home, that needed a mother. How do I tell this to a stranger? Her question, for a moment made me feel like a failure. Like if I had been a good mother, I too would be dead. If we really loved our children, would we not die for them? Lay down our own lives?


Well, I stood there for a moment? Thought about her question. Then I opened my mouth. Yes, you heard me, I opened my mouth. I said, very politely, "I did die. My world was dark for such a long time. The person I was before my son does not exist anymore. Today, I stand before you, a new person, a stronger person, and a better mother. A person that can show empathy and compassion to a complete stranger." She looked at me, and I think she started to stutter out an apology. I stopped her and said "Please, no apology. You didn't say anything wrong, you said what you felt. Next time you meet a mother that has lost a child, and I am sure you will, just remember that a part of her did die. And that she is a survivor. A survivor of something there is no cure for, except that, of having her child back in her arms." Know what happened next?

She gave me a small hug, and whispered "Thank you..."

After Caleb died I had comments quite like the one given to Cheryl.  How did you ever survive?  Well... I just did.  And I still do.  What other choice do I have?   Believe me at Caleb's funeral I no doubt wanted to be buried right beside him and die too...but that's not how life works.  God's plan for my life included me living..surviving...to experience more life in abundance.  To be a mom to Elijah, to live life and yearn for Heaven, clinging to Him each day for strength and grace.

6 months

6 months ago yesterday I got to hold my first living child here on Earth.  It's been an exciting, fun, joyful 6 months with Elijah and we can't thank God enough for his life here with us.  He is at such a fun age and we love seeing him discover new things every day.  In the past week he: went to the lake for the first time,  went to his first Braves game, started squealing high pitched excited squeals, went from eating 4 oz to 6 oz suddenly and has gained about half a pound and hung out with his (girl) friend Hannah Mae.  It's been a busy week for my little man.  We are having a great summer!!

I remember being so excited when I got pregnant with Caleb thinking about having the whole summer off with him.  In my mind I planned out all these things that I wanted to do with him.  That was 2 years ago.  Last summer was really hard as Caleb would have been 6 months old as well in July and would be doing the things that Elijah is doing now.  I am finally getting to live out and do the things that I dreamed of and planned for Caleb and I.  I miss him so much.

Please pray for Josh and I.  We are having a really hard time and trying to work through our grief and the ways that it has affected us.  A lot of our grief has been suppressed as we have been dealing with the stress, anxiety and fear of being pregnant with Elijah and taking care of him in the past 6 months.  As it is getting a little easier to take care of Elijah it is all hitting us at once.  The grief is taking it's toll on us more now than ever and we are both worn down from it.  It's just so exhausting to deal with the pain day in and day out. 

Our friends Ebe and Chris came over last night with their sweet baby girl Hannah Mae.  They lost their first child in November 2007. Just like Caleb, sweet Owen went to Heaven before he was born.  It turned out that Ebe has the same blood clotting disorder that I do and also had to give herself Lovenox shots everyday during her pregnancy with Hannah Mae.  Hannah and Elijah are so cute together and we call them Lovenox babies.  You can read about Chris, Ebe, Owen and Hannah Mae on Ebe's blog. 

We didn't take many pictures at the lake but we did take a lot at the Braves game.  Elijah was SO good at the game.  It was raining when we first got there so we had to sit in the car and wait for it to pass.   Because of the rain delay the game lasted until 11:30.  Other than a 30 minute nap in Josh's lap he stayed awake the whole time and never cried or got fussy.  He's already a true Braves fan :)

Hanging out in the car waiting for the rain to stop

In front of my favorite Braves player's # growing up, Dale Murphy (also my favorite #!)

Go Braves!!

Passed out!

That's right, I'm a Braves fan!!

Elijah and Hannah Mae, our Lovenox babies hanging out!