I'm guilty

I'm guilty of something that I know better than to do.  I am guilty of doing the very thing that I have written about on my blog and chastised others for doing.  I stuck my foot in my mouth at the most inappropriate time and way.  On Monday I saw a friend that I haven't seen in a few months.  The last time we saw each other and spoke she shared the exciting news with me that she was going to have a grandson...her first grandchild.  Not long after being with her in the excitement of asking her about her Christmas I said "next Christmas you will have a new baby to enjoy" and I promise as the words were coming out of my mouth I thought "why am I saying this...I am presuming the baby is ok"  I shouldn't presume...I hated it when people presumed when I was pregnant with Elijah.  My theory of there are no guarantees hasn't changed and there I was asking a question that I KNOW not to ask.  I mean..other people may not know but I DO.  What was I thinking?  I regretted my question the second it came out of my mouth.  Why didn't I ask how the mom was doing? or how things were going with the pregnancy?  so to my dreaded fear and shock my dear friend looked at me and said "We lost the baby"  I wanted to fall in the floor.  Of all people...of all people I should have known how a question like that could break someone's heart.  How soon we forget.  How soon I have forgotten the devastation and tragedy of losing my baby boy.  The fact is...I haven't forgotten, I didn't forget.   I have been pushing it away trying NOT to remember.  I miss Caleb everyday and I think about him every. single. day...several times a day.  I miss him so much and I still have times that I start crying and can't stop.  Those moments have been coming a lot more often in the past month or so.  Seeing Elijah develop into this little boy with his own little personality and attitude just makes me miss Caleb so much more.  I constantly wonder what Caleb would be like crawling around here with us...babbling and learning to walk on his own.  This will never end...every milestone..every little new thing that Elijah does for the rest of his life I am going to wonder what Caleb would have done or been like.

My friend went on to tell me her daughter's story and how she lost the baby.  Hearing her words and listening brought so many emotions up again...emotions that I have not been dealing with.  Her story is not exactly like mine but it is similar and her feelings and words are similar.   The loss was in the hands of a careless and flippant doctor that ignored many concerns from a first time mom.  A Dr. who's actions could or could not have saved the babies life but who certainly did not do everything that he could have for the mother and who did not listen.  Sounds quite familiar.  As I think about this young mom and the bitterness that ensues from the dr.'s carelessness and the anger and sadness and grief that she will continue to face from burying her first born son, my heart is broken.  I do not wish this pain on anyone and to know that another woman is living those very very dark first several months after losing her baby right now is breaking my heart.  I think about those first few months and literally have no idea how I survived them.  I remember the agonizing pain then and I think about my pain now and it's different.  It's like a part of me that I have gotten used to and have learned to deal with.  The pain hasn't gone away.  I haven't stopped missing Caleb and I never will.  The devastation is no longer there and I have hope now and know that my life CAN go on.  I didn't think that at first..I couldn't see past the pain and devastation at first.  I thought I may feel that way forever and nothing or no one could change it.

I had a hard night last night... I cried after leaving my friend.  I cried for her and for the pain I still have in my heart.  I cried from the longing I have to see and know Caleb on this side of Heaven.  I cried because I love Elijah so much and he is the light of my life.  To love so much and hurt so much at the same time is almost unbearable at times.

It's been a hard 3 months and I have taken a hiatus from writing on my blog for various reasons.  Lots of changes going on....good but really hard changes.  Elijah has grown so much and he is such a joy in my life.  I fall in love with him more every day.

A weed!

Elijah is growing like a weed!! He has started crawling and pulling up on everything.  He is so inquisitive and his favorite thing to do right now is to pull the books and DVD's off the shelves.  He is constantly looking for something to get into and most days wears me out!

Some pics of his recent developments:

Defining Moments

There are moments in our lives that define us.  Short amounts of time frozen in our minds that we never forget.  These moments make up who we are.  Happy and exciting moments, like the first time you kissed someone you love or you scored the winning run on your team.  Big moments, like when you said "I do" to your husband or wife or graduated from school after grueling years of studying.  Then there are sad moments, like saying good bye to a friend or the death of someone you love.  There are moments that you realize your life isn't going to turn out the way that you had planned.  Getting fired from a job or getting divorced.  Happy or sad the big moments in life can take us by surprise and change who we are forever.

Like everyone, I have had a lot of these "moments" in my life.  When I was pregnant with Caleb several people told me "the moment you see your child and look into their eyes is one of the happiest moments of your life. You will never forget it"  I was so excited about that moment and eagerly anticipated it for 37 weeks. I already loved Caleb with all of my heart but to finally get to hold him and hear him cry and look into his eyes almost seemed surreal to me.  I thought about that moment a lot when I was pregnant with him.  Well, things didn't work out as I had envisioned in my mind.  I experienced a moment but it wasn't quite the one I had ever thought I would experience.   Out of every second of my life before then and until now, the few seconds on January 12, 2009 it took the Dr. to say to us "I'm sorry, there is no heartbeat, your baby is dead" are the most defining few seconds of my life.  That moment, that memory of being in that room and his devastating words haunt me every single day.  I don't replay it in my mind several times a day like I did at first but I think about it a lot.  It enters my mind at various times of the day no matter what I am doing....at work, getting ready, holding Elijah, driving.  And when it does enter my mind it rips my heart open all over again.  I can't get over that moment.  I can't move on from that.  The moment I got to hold Caleb for the first time was supposed to be "the happiest moment in my life" instead it was the saddest.

I miss Caleb and long for him but the grief and sadness of him not being here is not the only effects of losing him.  The devastation and trauma of the whole thing takes it's toll on me daily.  The total anguish and sorrow immediately following the news of his death also takes over my mind.  The labor and delivery, holding Caleb, all the planning of the funeral, being at the funeral and seeing him in his tiny little casket, the graveside service...it all happened so fast and I was in such shock. Now I try to replay all of those days over again in my head trying to remember every little detail and not believe that it was actually me...I was the one it was happening to.  MY family were the ones that it was all happening to.  Part of me feels that the remembering and playing it over in my head brings me closer to Caleb.  If I remember all of that then I remember him.  It was all about him and anything that brings my memories and my heart closer to Caleb helps me feel closer to him somehow. So complicated.

I feel that I am just now starting to come out of the aftershock of everything.  I look back on myself and who I was before losing my son and who I am now and I feel like a completely different person.   I had a much more lively spirit and positive outlook on life. I am much more anti social than before and everything in my life that I used to be able to handle with little stress is now multiplied.  Everything is magnified because of my grief and I hate it.  There are many days I have the urge to run away from everything.  Start a new life that doesn't constantly remind me of who I used to be and am not anymore.   I don't want to associate pain with what I have now or had then but I do and it makes everything that much more complicated and hard.   As one of my friends who also had a stillborn said to me "grief permeates into everything" and it does.  It's all so complex that I can not grasp it.

I am angry.  Probably more angry than I have been since having Caleb.  The anger did not come for a long time but's it's here and seems like it's going to hang out for a while.  I am trying to deal with it the best that I can.  I sort of assumed that since I had to lose my son that God wouldn't put anything else too hard in my life for a while.  But here I am and things are hard and not what I expect them to be and I am confused and angry about it.  I am now asking God "why?"  and not so much as why did Caleb have to die, because I know I will never understand that no matter how hard I try, but why are things happening the way they are now?  Why hasn't it gotten any easier?  Why has he led me to the place where I am at?

Obviously I am having not such a good day.  I love my family and am so grateful that God allowed us to have Elijah.  His grace is amazing and His blessings flow.  Realistically I know that I don't deserve anything more than what I have already gotten from Christ when He came to die for our sins....we did not even deserve that.  I do not want to seem ungrateful for what I do have as I know it could be worse...it always can be but I am struggling to see the good that I know is in my life.  I am broken and if anyone can understand that it's Christ himself.  He is the only healer of my soul.  Only He can take my brokenness and do something good from it.  And I pray that He does.

Love,
Miranda

More pics

I finally got more pictures onto my computer from our trip to Michigan last month.  We had so much fun!!

Watching cartoons with cousin Kaitlyn.

Ahhh....

Where's my food lady?

Such a cutie!

Lovin some pickle..

At the beach..

This is the point when he started screaming!

The 12th day.

Today is the 12th. Every month on the 12th I think about Caleb and how old he would be and what stage he would be at.  Today Caleb would be 19 months old.  So I am thinking...what does a 19 month old do? What would my little toddler be running around doing if he were here on this Earth with me?  Well..after doing a little research I learned that Caleb could be....beginning to make sentences and potty training, running around, feeding himself, learning boundaries in social situations and a lot of other things.  Those are the things I read a "typical" 19 month old would be doing. but what would MY 19 month old Caleb be doing? What color would his eyes be?  What would his laugh sound like? what would his smile look like?  How would he feel in my arms snuggled up against me?  what kinds of foods would he like and dislike?  would he be outgoing or a little shy?  These things I will never know and the pain in my heart is so intense.  With every piece of my soul I want to KNOW...I just want to know and see and feel Caleb.

I miss you today and always Caleb and I am longing for the day I get to hold you again...

A question that is always in the back of my mind is...would Elijah be here if Caleb was here?  There's no way for me to know that.  It's not even a fathomable thought.  My life has worked out the way it has because it's God's plan even though I don't understand it.

I love both of my sons.  Elijah just turned 8 months old and he is growing and developing so fast.  I love getting to see his smile every day and see him change before my eyes.  He can now sit up by himself,  babbles a lot, has 2 teeth and is almost crawling..he can get up on is knees but then he just rocks and doesn't move.  He does roll everywhere he wants to go though.  He is just like his mom in that when he sees something he wants nothing is going to get in his way of getting to it.  He will see something across the room and roll until he gets to it.  His babysitter calls him "roly poly" and says he will roll all over the floor not even caring who is in his way to get what he wants.  I can't wait to see what he will be doing at 19 months.  What a joy he adds to our lives.

A Pair of Shoes

It's been a bad day...bad month.  I am weary and tired and worn.  

I am wearing a pair of shoes.
They are ugly shoes.
Uncomfortable shoes.
I hate my shoes.
Each day I wear them, and each day I wish I had another pair.
Some days my shoes hurt so bad that I do not think I can take another step.
Yet, I continue to wear them.
I get funny looks wearing these shoes.
They are looks of sympathy.
I can tell in others eyes that they are glad they are my shoes and not theirs.
They never talk about my shoes.
To learn how awful my shoes are might make them uncomfortable.
To truly understand these shoes you must walk in them.
But, once you put them on, you can never take them off.
I now realize that I am not the only one who wears these shoes.
There are many pairs in this world.
Some woman are like me and ache daily as they try and walk in them.
Some have learned how to walk in them so they don't hurt quite as much.
Some have worn the shoes so long that days will go by before they think about how much they hurt.
~Author Unknown~

I came across the poem and really liked it.  I think everyone has a pair of shoes that they don't like or want to walk in everyday.  Shoes they wish they could take off and throw away and forget about.  Of course some shoes are uglier than others and harder to wear but we all have them and it's hard to understand what it's like to walk in someone else's.

A Song

I am sure that everyone can relate to hearing a song and it taking you back to a place or time in your life and making you feel that moment or time in your life all over again like it was yesterday.  I do this a lot and most of the time it's happy thoughts...thoughts of growing up and spending time with my family or time when I was with my friends and we were acting crazy.  The beginning of the summer was really hard for me but it got better toward the end and my time at home with Elijah was great!  My days were filled with complete joy of spending time with him, loving on him and becoming more attached.  I went back to work last week and the students come back on Monday.  Of course it's been a busy and stressfull week getting ready.  My dad came and kept Elijah this week so he won't go to daycare until Monday.  Of course I am nervous and upset about it but I am trying to think positives thoughts about Elijah developing his social skills and making friends. 

This all brings me to today when I was driving home from work.  It was late of course and I was listening to the radio and I flipped to a station that was playing a song that brought all the feelings of missing Caleb back like a flood gate that had just opened up.  That's what happened too...the tears just came so quick and unexpectedly.  I have not cried in weeks and really haven't been that sad but today...today that song was it.  And the grief storm continues.  The song was "Bring the Rain" one of the first songs I listened to after Caleb died.  It's crazy how one song can bring on so many memories at once and throw me back into the hole that I am trying so desperately to climb out of.   It's hard but it is also part of who I am.  When I am feeling almost normal on some days and joyful I am almost scared that I am "moving on" from Caleb and forgetting about him.  I know that it's not true but it's really the thoughts that go through my head and heart.  If I am not crying about my child that is no longer here with me, does that mean that I don't miss him or love him?  So the song brought on some bad feelings but it also reminded me that I do still miss and love Caleb and I always will. 

On a more positive note...I haven't posted in a while because my computer is messed up but Michigan was so fun!  Elijah did great on the flight there and back from Detroit.  Except for a few mishaps on the way there and on the way back (they searched my carry on bag and Elijah's diaper bag and tested the water in his bottles) everything went well.  We went to lake Michigan and I put Elijah's toes in the water...he was not at all happy about it but we got a few funny pics. 

All in all I had a wonderful and awesome summer with Elijah.  Here are some pictures from the latter part of our summer.

This is in Michigan. Elijah loved my sister's dogs and was so excited to get to pet them!!

He wanted to eat their hair!

Watching cartoons with cousin Kaitlyn.

This is at home.  Where's Elijah?  I was babysitting my 2 yr old nephew and he insisted that Elijah needed all of his stuffed aninmals around him.

One more trip to the pool for the summer!

This is what Elijah and I were doing around 3:00-3:30 on most days this summer. 

I loved it!!

He still loves his highchair and chasing bowls all over it!

Elijah also loves bath time!

Out with friends and wearing one of their hats.

He will play in this thing for hours!!

I put this on him as I was doing laundry!  He thought it was hilarious! How cute is he??

More pics to come next week!

Love,

Miranda

Moving up!

Wow! Elijah is 7 months old today!!  A lot has happened in the past month for him.
Here's what Elijah has been up to:

He started eating in a high chair

He got a "big boy" car seat...he LOVES it.  No more fussing when we put him in the car.

His first laptop...it speaks 2 languages!!

We got a new stroller...

An exersaucer....lots of entertainment!

We also moved him from sleeping in his pack and play in our room (since we brought him home) to sleeping in his own room in his crib.

He's been to the Biltmore house...

to downtown Greenville, SC...

to the BEACH!!

we didn't actually take him to the beach for more than the 5 minutes it took us to put his toes in the sand and water.  He wasn't sure what to think!

We did take him to the lighthouse and by the pier at St. Simons to take some good pictures.

 

Oh my gosh he is getting so big and growing so fast! Everyday he seems to look different and everyday he does something new that is just so cute and precious.  My heart is full of joy and I am loving my time with him at home this summer.

And his summer is not over.  We are going to the lake today for the 4th of July and then Elijah and I are flying to Michigan to stay with my sister for a week.  A 7 month old on a plane by myself...hum..we will see how that goes!

I am a survivor...

As I have written many times before...it never ceases to amaze me the things that people say.  I KNOW it's hard to know what to say when such tragedies happen in life and I may have been one of those people before my own tragedy but it is my hope that awareness can be spread and we can all start to become more sensitive to the tragedies of other's lives before we open our mouths or pass judgement. 
I stumbled upon this recently and wanted to share it:

from Cheryl Haggard's Blog (The Haggard Family) by Cheryl Haggard (co-founder of Now I Lay me Down to Sleep)  http://haggardfamily.blogspot.com/

So, I was wearing my Maddux necklace the other day, and a lady asked me about it. I told her that was my son, Maddux. He died three 1/2 years ago. I went on to explain about the month of October being Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month, and this was a way for me to honor him during this time...She politely nodded her head, like she understood, and then she opened her mouth. "Oh my God! I would just die if something happened to one of my children." "How did you ever survive?"    Like I ever had a choice? How many times did I say I wished death would have taken me too? That only my death could ever stop my pain? That I have three other children at home, that needed a mother. How do I tell this to a stranger? Her question, for a moment made me feel like a failure. Like if I had been a good mother, I too would be dead. If we really loved our children, would we not die for them? Lay down our own lives?


Well, I stood there for a moment? Thought about her question. Then I opened my mouth. Yes, you heard me, I opened my mouth. I said, very politely, "I did die. My world was dark for such a long time. The person I was before my son does not exist anymore. Today, I stand before you, a new person, a stronger person, and a better mother. A person that can show empathy and compassion to a complete stranger." She looked at me, and I think she started to stutter out an apology. I stopped her and said "Please, no apology. You didn't say anything wrong, you said what you felt. Next time you meet a mother that has lost a child, and I am sure you will, just remember that a part of her did die. And that she is a survivor. A survivor of something there is no cure for, except that, of having her child back in her arms." Know what happened next?

She gave me a small hug, and whispered "Thank you..."

After Caleb died I had comments quite like the one given to Cheryl.  How did you ever survive?  Well... I just did.  And I still do.  What other choice do I have?   Believe me at Caleb's funeral I no doubt wanted to be buried right beside him and die too...but that's not how life works.  God's plan for my life included me living..surviving...to experience more life in abundance.  To be a mom to Elijah, to live life and yearn for Heaven, clinging to Him each day for strength and grace.

6 months

6 months ago yesterday I got to hold my first living child here on Earth.  It's been an exciting, fun, joyful 6 months with Elijah and we can't thank God enough for his life here with us.  He is at such a fun age and we love seeing him discover new things every day.  In the past week he: went to the lake for the first time,  went to his first Braves game, started squealing high pitched excited squeals, went from eating 4 oz to 6 oz suddenly and has gained about half a pound and hung out with his (girl) friend Hannah Mae.  It's been a busy week for my little man.  We are having a great summer!!

I remember being so excited when I got pregnant with Caleb thinking about having the whole summer off with him.  In my mind I planned out all these things that I wanted to do with him.  That was 2 years ago.  Last summer was really hard as Caleb would have been 6 months old as well in July and would be doing the things that Elijah is doing now.  I am finally getting to live out and do the things that I dreamed of and planned for Caleb and I.  I miss him so much.

Please pray for Josh and I.  We are having a really hard time and trying to work through our grief and the ways that it has affected us.  A lot of our grief has been suppressed as we have been dealing with the stress, anxiety and fear of being pregnant with Elijah and taking care of him in the past 6 months.  As it is getting a little easier to take care of Elijah it is all hitting us at once.  The grief is taking it's toll on us more now than ever and we are both worn down from it.  It's just so exhausting to deal with the pain day in and day out. 

Our friends Ebe and Chris came over last night with their sweet baby girl Hannah Mae.  They lost their first child in November 2007. Just like Caleb, sweet Owen went to Heaven before he was born.  It turned out that Ebe has the same blood clotting disorder that I do and also had to give herself Lovenox shots everyday during her pregnancy with Hannah Mae.  Hannah and Elijah are so cute together and we call them Lovenox babies.  You can read about Chris, Ebe, Owen and Hannah Mae on Ebe's blog. 

We didn't take many pictures at the lake but we did take a lot at the Braves game.  Elijah was SO good at the game.  It was raining when we first got there so we had to sit in the car and wait for it to pass.   Because of the rain delay the game lasted until 11:30.  Other than a 30 minute nap in Josh's lap he stayed awake the whole time and never cried or got fussy.  He's already a true Braves fan :)

Hanging out in the car waiting for the rain to stop

In front of my favorite Braves player's # growing up, Dale Murphy (also my favorite #!)

Go Braves!!

Passed out!

That's right, I'm a Braves fan!!

Elijah and Hannah Mae, our Lovenox babies hanging out!