Here's the prison cell. I actually slept in that thing with Elijah a few times.
Thursday, April 22, 2010
Home
We are home! Finally! Elijah is feeling much better and his fever is gone. thank God for His faithfullness and protection over us. We are all exhausted and ready to sleep in our own beds. Here are a few more pics from our stay.
Sick Baby
Yes, we are STILL at the hospital. Elijah is feeling better than he was last night but he still has a fever and is fussy and achy. He just isn't himself. The doctor is concerned about the fever and about his lack of bowel movements over the past few days. He has switched us to Alimentum formula, which if you don't know is one of the most expensive formulas you can buy. It supposedly is not going to make him constipated like he has been.
It's been a long and tiring day but Elijah has done fairly well considering. I think he is just as ready to go home as we are. He isn't sleeping well here and will not let me put him down. The crib looks like a prison cell so I don't blame him one bit. I am really hoping we can go home in the morning and I think that we will.
We have some of the best friends and family ever!! Thanks so much to all of you who texted or called and have been praying for us today and for offering to help us out and bringing us food. God has truly blessed our lives.
Here are some pics from today. You can tell in the pics that Elijah is not his usual happy and smiling self. Don't you just love the gown? Poor baby..
It's been a long and tiring day but Elijah has done fairly well considering. I think he is just as ready to go home as we are. He isn't sleeping well here and will not let me put him down. The crib looks like a prison cell so I don't blame him one bit. I am really hoping we can go home in the morning and I think that we will.
We have some of the best friends and family ever!! Thanks so much to all of you who texted or called and have been praying for us today and for offering to help us out and bringing us food. God has truly blessed our lives.
Here are some pics from today. You can tell in the pics that Elijah is not his usual happy and smiling self. Don't you just love the gown? Poor baby..
Wednesday, April 21, 2010
Darkness
There's something about the dark and quietness of the night that can be unnerving. It's in the darkness and quiet that the thoughts and feelings we ignore so easily during the day come out. Loneliness, sadness, worry, anxiety, fear. I have been "scared of the darkness" a lot since Caled died. It's in the night that I miss him the most and when I actually sit down and have time to think about how much I miss him and wish he was here with me. I picture what it would be like to have him and Elijah together. I also remember the tragedy that was behind the day we found out about him being gone and though I try really hard not to I relive that day all the time. My thoughts and emotions creep in on me during the night like an evil spirit trying to rob my joy and steal my heart.
So here I am in the quiet and darkness of the night. No sound except the sound of my breathing baby and an IV pump he is hooked up to. Monday Elijah was fussy all day and Monday night he began to run a fever. When I took him to the doctor today he was not hesitant to admit Elijah to the hospital to be hooked up to an IV because he had a fever and was dehydrated. There are no obvious symptoms to why Elijah has a fever so they are doing all kinds of tests and monitoring him over night. I am happy that the pediatrician is being cautious but I hate being at this hosptial. The sounds and smells remind me of when we were here when Caleb was born. I guess I didn't notice it when Elijah was born because it was so joyous and I was overwhelmed with emotion. Now here I am again anxiously waiting to see if my son is going to be ok.
I am typically not a person that worries too much about small things. Most of the time I think that's a good thing but it is not always the safest thing. When I was pregnant with Caleb I wasn't worried about much. People have healthy babies all the time. I was perfectly healthy and had no reason to think that he wasn't. I didn't worry too much and didn't insist that the doctors be more cautious and monitor me closer when I thought something might be wrong. I was the exception. MY baby wasn't ok..I didn't have a perfectly healthy baby and he didn't live. I am the exception.
I think that everything with Elijah is ok, I really do. Babies get sick all the time, right? BUT what if he is the exception? What if I should be worried? I am not nearly as anxious and scared as I was when I was pregnant with him. I guess I just knew all the things that could go wrong then and they did go wrong with me before. What if Elijah is the exception this time though? I'm scared. I am sitting in the dark and the emotions are taking over and I am scared. I have left this hospital once without my son and gone home to an empty house. What if I have to do it again? I know that is extreme and I know other mother's are scared and worry but I am cursed with knowing exactly what it feels like when you don't get to take your child home. When they aren't ok.
I am going to have to live my life like this? Always fearful of not being worried enough..worrying too much? I don't want Elijah to grow up with a paranoid mother. I don't want to be over protective of him. I want him to know that he is safe and loved but I can't put him in a bubble. It was excruciating tonight to watch the nurse stick Elijah 3 times before getting his IV put in and then sticking him 2 more times to draw more blood. They told me I could leave the room while they did it and I was hesistant to stay because I knew it would be hard. I couldn't leave him though. No matter how hard it was for me I had to be there so that he knew I was there and he wouldn't be scared.
I realized that this was going to be forever what it is like. I can be here for him when he is hurt but I can't stop the pain. Life is hard and painful and he is going to hurt and I can't stop that. I can't stop God's plan for my life and for Elijah's life. I couldn't stop His plan for Caleb's. I can't spend my life waiting for something to happen, going around the next corner scared that God is going to take another child from my life here on Earth. I am praying tonight that God will remove the worry and fear and replace it with peace and a knowing that He is in control. His will is perfect and whatever happens He will be there to pick me back up.
In the Bible darkness is compared to sin and death. Though darkness may fall on us Christ is the light that leads our way out. I strive to focus on the light and not the darkness. I pray that my fears will subside and the darkness will not overcome me at my weakess times. There is always a light in the darkness to lead us in the right direction. I know that Christ will lead the way.
Love,
Miranda
So here I am in the quiet and darkness of the night. No sound except the sound of my breathing baby and an IV pump he is hooked up to. Monday Elijah was fussy all day and Monday night he began to run a fever. When I took him to the doctor today he was not hesitant to admit Elijah to the hospital to be hooked up to an IV because he had a fever and was dehydrated. There are no obvious symptoms to why Elijah has a fever so they are doing all kinds of tests and monitoring him over night. I am happy that the pediatrician is being cautious but I hate being at this hosptial. The sounds and smells remind me of when we were here when Caleb was born. I guess I didn't notice it when Elijah was born because it was so joyous and I was overwhelmed with emotion. Now here I am again anxiously waiting to see if my son is going to be ok.
I am typically not a person that worries too much about small things. Most of the time I think that's a good thing but it is not always the safest thing. When I was pregnant with Caleb I wasn't worried about much. People have healthy babies all the time. I was perfectly healthy and had no reason to think that he wasn't. I didn't worry too much and didn't insist that the doctors be more cautious and monitor me closer when I thought something might be wrong. I was the exception. MY baby wasn't ok..I didn't have a perfectly healthy baby and he didn't live. I am the exception.
I think that everything with Elijah is ok, I really do. Babies get sick all the time, right? BUT what if he is the exception? What if I should be worried? I am not nearly as anxious and scared as I was when I was pregnant with him. I guess I just knew all the things that could go wrong then and they did go wrong with me before. What if Elijah is the exception this time though? I'm scared. I am sitting in the dark and the emotions are taking over and I am scared. I have left this hospital once without my son and gone home to an empty house. What if I have to do it again? I know that is extreme and I know other mother's are scared and worry but I am cursed with knowing exactly what it feels like when you don't get to take your child home. When they aren't ok.
I am going to have to live my life like this? Always fearful of not being worried enough..worrying too much? I don't want Elijah to grow up with a paranoid mother. I don't want to be over protective of him. I want him to know that he is safe and loved but I can't put him in a bubble. It was excruciating tonight to watch the nurse stick Elijah 3 times before getting his IV put in and then sticking him 2 more times to draw more blood. They told me I could leave the room while they did it and I was hesistant to stay because I knew it would be hard. I couldn't leave him though. No matter how hard it was for me I had to be there so that he knew I was there and he wouldn't be scared.
I realized that this was going to be forever what it is like. I can be here for him when he is hurt but I can't stop the pain. Life is hard and painful and he is going to hurt and I can't stop that. I can't stop God's plan for my life and for Elijah's life. I couldn't stop His plan for Caleb's. I can't spend my life waiting for something to happen, going around the next corner scared that God is going to take another child from my life here on Earth. I am praying tonight that God will remove the worry and fear and replace it with peace and a knowing that He is in control. His will is perfect and whatever happens He will be there to pick me back up.
In the Bible darkness is compared to sin and death. Though darkness may fall on us Christ is the light that leads our way out. I strive to focus on the light and not the darkness. I pray that my fears will subside and the darkness will not overcome me at my weakess times. There is always a light in the darkness to lead us in the right direction. I know that Christ will lead the way.
Love,
Miranda
Monday, April 19, 2010
Food!
Elijah loves to go on walks around our neighborhood. With the weather being so nice we have been walking a lot. Here's his usual happy face during one of his walks!!
YO! Let me tell you which way to go!
Love,
Miranda
Saturday, April 10, 2010
A mother's love
This month has been ridiculously busy!! Work has been crazy and we moved about 2 weeks ago! I didn't realize how much harder it was going to be to move with a baby! Needless to say that I haven't had the time to post. I would think about what I want to post and then I go to bed because I am just too tired to sit down and do it.
Tonight there is something heavy on my heart and I just couldn't go to bed without writing about it. Like I said, work for me has been really busy lately. I have been meeting with parents of some of my students and talking to them about their child's progress and plans for next year. It's usually the mom of my students that I meet with and most of my student's are boys. I have always cared about my students but from the day I found out I was going to be a mom and was pregnant with Caleb my view of the world has changed. I see things since then from a mom's point of view. When I was pregnant with Caleb I began thinking about the world differently than before. Everything I did or encountered made me think about how Caleb would be affected by it. I began to understand a mother's love for her child and the expression "you would do anything for your child" had a new meaning. When I meet with the moms of my students I have been getting the same responses from them..."I am doing everything I can to help him" "I don't understand" "Nothing works" I see the desperation and sadness in their eyes and I have even had a few moms cry in our meeting. It breaks my heart as I sit there feeling so bad for them and wanting to do anything to help them. I think "what if this is me one day" "what if I am doing this with Elijah in 15 years?" Just like my student's moms I know that I would do anything to make sure that Elijah is healthy, happy and successful. A mother's love goes deep into places in my heart that I never imagined. I had no idea what this feeling is like and it can't be explained until you become a parent.
For the most part I have found parents who are supportive of their children and do try to do what is best for them. This is not always the case. So here comes my heavy heart. I have students who's parents could care less about how they are doing in school. I have students tell me about how their parents treat them and it's hateful and mean. I know that I have students who are mistreated at home because I can see it in their attitudes and faces when I speak to them. Some have even told me stories about what their parents have done. I think about this and it makes me sad and angry at the same time. It's the same thing as thinking about women who do not want their children, who get abortions or abandon their children. It breaks my heart to think that any child would ever feel like they are not wanted or important enough or deserve to be loved. Caleb was loved tremendously even before he was born. He didn't have to do anything for us in order for us to love him. We loved him because he was already important and ours. He is still important and in my heart and mind all the time, everday. When I think about a mother not wanting her child or treating them hatefully I think about my love for Caleb and how much I wish he was here for me to show him my love. I hold Elijah and wonder how a mother could ever intentionally hurt her baby. I accidently scratched Elijah's nose yesterday and about started crying because it hurt him and I was the one who caused his pain. I know that life is not fair and evilness is in our world because of the fall but it really is JUST NOT FAIR that I didn't get to keep Caleb here on Earth where he is loved and wanted and other mother's get to keep their children and then take them for granted and hurt them in the ways they do. In a perfect world I would take all those children in no matter how young or old and love on them the way they are deserved to be loved on.
God sent His Son to die on the cross for us because He loved us before we were even born. He already knew the numbers of hairs on our heads. The miraculous thing about this is....we didn't have to do ANYTHING for it. We have received his love and grace and forgiveness without even having to do anything for it. That's true love. That's the love all parents should have for their children.
Elijah is 4 months and 1 week old tomorrow! Oh my how he has grown so fast! He has started babbling and playing with his hands and feet. Last week he rolled over from his stomach to his back for the first time! He is sooo cute when he sleeps and puts his hands behind his head. It's so cute!!
Here are some recent pics:
Tonight there is something heavy on my heart and I just couldn't go to bed without writing about it. Like I said, work for me has been really busy lately. I have been meeting with parents of some of my students and talking to them about their child's progress and plans for next year. It's usually the mom of my students that I meet with and most of my student's are boys. I have always cared about my students but from the day I found out I was going to be a mom and was pregnant with Caleb my view of the world has changed. I see things since then from a mom's point of view. When I was pregnant with Caleb I began thinking about the world differently than before. Everything I did or encountered made me think about how Caleb would be affected by it. I began to understand a mother's love for her child and the expression "you would do anything for your child" had a new meaning. When I meet with the moms of my students I have been getting the same responses from them..."I am doing everything I can to help him" "I don't understand" "Nothing works" I see the desperation and sadness in their eyes and I have even had a few moms cry in our meeting. It breaks my heart as I sit there feeling so bad for them and wanting to do anything to help them. I think "what if this is me one day" "what if I am doing this with Elijah in 15 years?" Just like my student's moms I know that I would do anything to make sure that Elijah is healthy, happy and successful. A mother's love goes deep into places in my heart that I never imagined. I had no idea what this feeling is like and it can't be explained until you become a parent.
For the most part I have found parents who are supportive of their children and do try to do what is best for them. This is not always the case. So here comes my heavy heart. I have students who's parents could care less about how they are doing in school. I have students tell me about how their parents treat them and it's hateful and mean. I know that I have students who are mistreated at home because I can see it in their attitudes and faces when I speak to them. Some have even told me stories about what their parents have done. I think about this and it makes me sad and angry at the same time. It's the same thing as thinking about women who do not want their children, who get abortions or abandon their children. It breaks my heart to think that any child would ever feel like they are not wanted or important enough or deserve to be loved. Caleb was loved tremendously even before he was born. He didn't have to do anything for us in order for us to love him. We loved him because he was already important and ours. He is still important and in my heart and mind all the time, everday. When I think about a mother not wanting her child or treating them hatefully I think about my love for Caleb and how much I wish he was here for me to show him my love. I hold Elijah and wonder how a mother could ever intentionally hurt her baby. I accidently scratched Elijah's nose yesterday and about started crying because it hurt him and I was the one who caused his pain. I know that life is not fair and evilness is in our world because of the fall but it really is JUST NOT FAIR that I didn't get to keep Caleb here on Earth where he is loved and wanted and other mother's get to keep their children and then take them for granted and hurt them in the ways they do. In a perfect world I would take all those children in no matter how young or old and love on them the way they are deserved to be loved on.
God sent His Son to die on the cross for us because He loved us before we were even born. He already knew the numbers of hairs on our heads. The miraculous thing about this is....we didn't have to do ANYTHING for it. We have received his love and grace and forgiveness without even having to do anything for it. That's true love. That's the love all parents should have for their children.
Elijah is 4 months and 1 week old tomorrow! Oh my how he has grown so fast! He has started babbling and playing with his hands and feet. Last week he rolled over from his stomach to his back for the first time! He is sooo cute when he sleeps and puts his hands behind his head. It's so cute!!
Here are some recent pics:
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