Darkness

There's something about the dark and quietness of the night that can be unnerving.  It's in the darkness and quiet that the thoughts and feelings we ignore so easily during the day come out.  Loneliness, sadness, worry, anxiety, fear.  I have been "scared of the darkness" a lot since Caled died.  It's in the night that I miss him the most and when I actually sit down and have time to think about how much I miss him and wish he was here with me.  I picture what it would be like to have him and Elijah together.  I also remember the tragedy that was behind the day we found out about him being gone and though I try really hard not to I relive that day all the time.  My thoughts and emotions creep in on me during the night like an evil spirit trying to rob my joy and steal my heart. 

So here I am in the quiet and darkness of the night.  No sound except the sound of my breathing baby and an IV pump he is hooked up to.  Monday Elijah was fussy all day and Monday night he began to run a fever.  When I took him to the doctor today he was not hesitant to admit Elijah to the hospital to be hooked up to an IV because he had a fever and was dehydrated.  There are no obvious symptoms to why Elijah has a  fever so they are doing all kinds of tests and monitoring him over night.  I am happy that the pediatrician is being cautious but I hate being at this hosptial.  The sounds and smells remind me of when we were here when Caleb was born.  I guess I didn't notice it when Elijah was born because it was so joyous and I was overwhelmed with emotion.  Now here I am again anxiously waiting to see if my son is going to be ok. 

I am typically not a person that worries too much about small things.  Most of the time I think that's a good thing but it is not always the safest thing.  When I was pregnant with Caleb I wasn't worried about much.  People have healthy babies all the time.  I was perfectly healthy and had no reason to think that he wasn't.  I didn't worry too much and didn't insist that the doctors be more cautious and monitor me closer when I thought something might be wrong.  I was the exception. MY baby wasn't ok..I didn't have a perfectly healthy baby and he didn't live.  I am the exception.

I think that everything with Elijah is ok, I really do.  Babies get sick all the time, right?  BUT what if he is the exception? What if I should be worried? I am not nearly as anxious and scared as I was when I was pregnant with him.  I guess I just knew all the things that could go wrong then and they did go wrong with me before.  What if Elijah is the exception this time though?  I'm scared.  I am sitting in the dark and the emotions are taking over and I am scared.  I have left this hospital once without my son and gone home to an empty house.  What if I have to do it again?  I know that is extreme and I know other mother's are scared and worry but I am cursed with knowing exactly what it feels like when you don't get to take your child home.  When they aren't ok.

I am going to have to live my life like this? Always fearful of not being worried enough..worrying too much?  I don't want Elijah to grow up with a paranoid mother.  I don't want to be over protective of him.  I want him to know that he is safe and loved but I can't put him in a bubble.  It was excruciating tonight to watch the nurse stick Elijah 3 times before getting his IV put in and then sticking him 2 more times to draw more blood.  They told me I could leave the room while they did it and I was hesistant to stay because I knew it would be hard.  I couldn't leave him though.  No matter how hard it was for me I had to be there so that he knew I was there and he wouldn't be scared. 

I realized that this was going to be forever what it is like.  I can be here for him when he is hurt but I can't stop the pain.  Life is hard and painful and he is going to hurt and I can't stop that.  I can't stop God's plan for my life and for Elijah's life.  I couldn't stop His plan for Caleb's.  I can't spend my life waiting for something to happen, going around the next corner scared that God is going to take another child from my life here on Earth.  I am praying tonight that God will remove the worry and fear and replace it with peace and a knowing that He is in control.  His will is perfect and whatever happens He will be there to pick me back up.

In the Bible darkness is compared to sin and death.  Though darkness may fall on us Christ is the light that leads our way out.  I strive to focus on the light and not the darkness.  I pray that my fears will subside and the darkness will not overcome me at my weakess times.  There is always a light in the darkness to lead us in the right direction.  I know that Christ will lead the way. 

Love,
Miranda