Over it

The past few weeks have been so bad for me emotionally that I have been spent and too exhausted to even post.  By the time I get through my day I don't have the time or energy to sit down and write out my feelings.  And some days I chose not to because what I would have written would not have been good...in fact it would have been ugly.  That's how I feel my grief is at right now...downright ugly.   And why is the effects of my grief rearing it's ugly head the way that it has in the past few weeks?  I have no idea.  It just comes and goes with no warning and there I am crying at work or driving down the road crying and feeling like a crazy person.  I can't focus and I forget things and do things that I would never would have done before Caleb was born.  And then I get angry.  Angry that I am still living the life that I did not ask for.  Angry that the grief and tragedy of losing Caleb still affects my everyday life.  Angry that some people think that I should be "over it" by now.  I mean..it's been over a year, right?  Shouldn't I move on?  I'm angry that I put that on myself.  I know that most people don't really expect me to be "over it" but I think that I expect myself to be.  Maybe its that I am afraid that everyone else has forgotten about Caleb.  They don't miss him as much as I do and think about him the way that I do every minute of the day and that hurts me.   I don't want this life..I don't want my grief to still affect me.  I want to move on and enjoy what I am blessed with now.  I won't use my grief as an excuse to not do the things that I am responsible for and for doing my job and taking care of my family but some days it just so hard.  It's hard to want to get out of bed and to care about anything at all.  When I miss Caleb so much that what I really want to do is lay in the floor and cry instead of go to work or be there at all.  It's SO hard and I hate it.

I have read quite a few grief books over the past year and they have all said that the hurt is so strong because the love for the person you have lost is so deep.  I think that is true so I feel guilty for wanting to move on with my life and not wanting to hurt or be affected by the tragedy of my loss anymore.  I don't want to forget about my son but I want the pain to go away.   I love Caleb with all of my heart but I can't change that he is gone and I have accepted that.   I've been naive to think that as time passes my pain will go away completely.  I guess at this time last year my thought was that it would be much easier by now but in some ways it's harder.   No, I don't cry as much as I used to but there are things that affect me now that didn't then.  The more Elijah grows and changes everyday the more I grow attached to him and the more I grow attached to him the more I miss Caleb.  It's complicated and messy. 

Despite all of this God is shaping me and growing me in different ways everyday.  It's not exactly the ways that I would want or ever thought of.  It's wild how we can have in our minds the way that we want our lives to go and then it's completely different than we would have ever dreamed.  When Josh and I got married we saw our lives together playing out much differently than it has.  Losing a child can change a marriage in ways that no one ever thinks of.  We are working through those changes but they are not the kind of changes we would have chosen for our marriage and they are definitely not easy.  I have realized that I can't look to the future and think that things will go the way that I want them to or envision them to.  I am learning that I can only take one day at a time and trust God through every step that I take, knowing that He is behind it all.  I will never be "over" losing Caleb and I will never stop loving him or longing to have him here with me but I am learning that God is in control and has the power to help us overcome anything.  He will walk by me no matter what happens and for that I am grateful.

"In his heart a man plans his course, but the LORD determines his steps."
Proverbs 16:9

Miranda