Welcome

I have been thinking about starting a blog since a few weeks after we had Caleb. It has been the many blogs of other women who have lost their babies that I have found refuge and peace this year. Knowing that I am not alone in this journey has had a significant impact on my healing of losing Caleb. For some reason I just haven't been able to bring myself to do it. My blog friends are going to be so proud! The reason I have decided to start his blog though is for Elijah and my family and friends. It's been really hard for me to share this pregnancy with some of my family and a lot of my friends. It's different this time. To me pregnancy ends tragically and with sorrow and grief. I can't be blissful like I was with Caleb and I can't help but fear that this pregnancy will end the same way. It's hard to share that with others who are so excited for you but do not understand. So, I realized that I have to do this for Caleb and for his brother Elijah because they deserve it. Caleb's life was not all tragic and it is a true blessing to have had him alive in my womb for 37 weeks. Josh and I knew him..his little personality, his kicks and sleeping cycles. And despite that God took him earlier than we ever wanted or imagined we love him just the same. We were blessed with our first son! Now God has blessed us with another child and oh how we are so in love with him as well. I tried in the beginning of my pregnancy to not get too excited or attached for fear that I wouldn't get to hold this baby alive in my arms either. Then I decided that I couldn't deny my second child the love and excitement that I had for my first. Josh and I are so attached to and in love this beautiful baby boy growing inside of me. We have just about everything perfectly ready to bring him home. I was apprehensive about getting everything ready for him at first but it has given me hope to let myself believe that he will sleep in his crib and we will use all of Caleb's things to take care of him. Would it be any less painful if we don't get to bring him home if we haven't done all of these things? no. Would it be any less painful if we lost him to have never gotten attached to him? no. I have just had a hard time sharing this excitement with everyone else. Maybe I think it would be less painful for them..I don't know. It's easier for me to keep it to myself. But it's not fair to Elijah. I want everyone to be excited for his entry into this world and to celebrate his life so here begins my blog for Elijah and Caleb, my sons.