The 12th day.

Today is the 12th. Every month on the 12th I think about Caleb and how old he would be and what stage he would be at.  Today Caleb would be 19 months old.  So I am thinking...what does a 19 month old do? What would my little toddler be running around doing if he were here on this Earth with me?  Well..after doing a little research I learned that Caleb could be....beginning to make sentences and potty training, running around, feeding himself, learning boundaries in social situations and a lot of other things.  Those are the things I read a "typical" 19 month old would be doing. but what would MY 19 month old Caleb be doing? What color would his eyes be?  What would his laugh sound like? what would his smile look like?  How would he feel in my arms snuggled up against me?  what kinds of foods would he like and dislike?  would he be outgoing or a little shy?  These things I will never know and the pain in my heart is so intense.  With every piece of my soul I want to KNOW...I just want to know and see and feel Caleb.

I miss you today and always Caleb and I am longing for the day I get to hold you again...

A question that is always in the back of my mind is...would Elijah be here if Caleb was here?  There's no way for me to know that.  It's not even a fathomable thought.  My life has worked out the way it has because it's God's plan even though I don't understand it.

I love both of my sons.  Elijah just turned 8 months old and he is growing and developing so fast.  I love getting to see his smile every day and see him change before my eyes.  He can now sit up by himself,  babbles a lot, has 2 teeth and is almost crawling..he can get up on is knees but then he just rocks and doesn't move.  He does roll everywhere he wants to go though.  He is just like his mom in that when he sees something he wants nothing is going to get in his way of getting to it.  He will see something across the room and roll until he gets to it.  His babysitter calls him "roly poly" and says he will roll all over the floor not even caring who is in his way to get what he wants.  I can't wait to see what he will be doing at 19 months.  What a joy he adds to our lives.