Defining Moments

There are moments in our lives that define us.  Short amounts of time frozen in our minds that we never forget.  These moments make up who we are.  Happy and exciting moments, like the first time you kissed someone you love or you scored the winning run on your team.  Big moments, like when you said "I do" to your husband or wife or graduated from school after grueling years of studying.  Then there are sad moments, like saying good bye to a friend or the death of someone you love.  There are moments that you realize your life isn't going to turn out the way that you had planned.  Getting fired from a job or getting divorced.  Happy or sad the big moments in life can take us by surprise and change who we are forever.

Like everyone, I have had a lot of these "moments" in my life.  When I was pregnant with Caleb several people told me "the moment you see your child and look into their eyes is one of the happiest moments of your life. You will never forget it"  I was so excited about that moment and eagerly anticipated it for 37 weeks. I already loved Caleb with all of my heart but to finally get to hold him and hear him cry and look into his eyes almost seemed surreal to me.  I thought about that moment a lot when I was pregnant with him.  Well, things didn't work out as I had envisioned in my mind.  I experienced a moment but it wasn't quite the one I had ever thought I would experience.   Out of every second of my life before then and until now, the few seconds on January 12, 2009 it took the Dr. to say to us "I'm sorry, there is no heartbeat, your baby is dead" are the most defining few seconds of my life.  That moment, that memory of being in that room and his devastating words haunt me every single day.  I don't replay it in my mind several times a day like I did at first but I think about it a lot.  It enters my mind at various times of the day no matter what I am doing....at work, getting ready, holding Elijah, driving.  And when it does enter my mind it rips my heart open all over again.  I can't get over that moment.  I can't move on from that.  The moment I got to hold Caleb for the first time was supposed to be "the happiest moment in my life" instead it was the saddest.

I miss Caleb and long for him but the grief and sadness of him not being here is not the only effects of losing him.  The devastation and trauma of the whole thing takes it's toll on me daily.  The total anguish and sorrow immediately following the news of his death also takes over my mind.  The labor and delivery, holding Caleb, all the planning of the funeral, being at the funeral and seeing him in his tiny little casket, the graveside service...it all happened so fast and I was in such shock. Now I try to replay all of those days over again in my head trying to remember every little detail and not believe that it was actually me...I was the one it was happening to.  MY family were the ones that it was all happening to.  Part of me feels that the remembering and playing it over in my head brings me closer to Caleb.  If I remember all of that then I remember him.  It was all about him and anything that brings my memories and my heart closer to Caleb helps me feel closer to him somehow. So complicated.

I feel that I am just now starting to come out of the aftershock of everything.  I look back on myself and who I was before losing my son and who I am now and I feel like a completely different person.   I had a much more lively spirit and positive outlook on life. I am much more anti social than before and everything in my life that I used to be able to handle with little stress is now multiplied.  Everything is magnified because of my grief and I hate it.  There are many days I have the urge to run away from everything.  Start a new life that doesn't constantly remind me of who I used to be and am not anymore.   I don't want to associate pain with what I have now or had then but I do and it makes everything that much more complicated and hard.   As one of my friends who also had a stillborn said to me "grief permeates into everything" and it does.  It's all so complex that I can not grasp it.

I am angry.  Probably more angry than I have been since having Caleb.  The anger did not come for a long time but's it's here and seems like it's going to hang out for a while.  I am trying to deal with it the best that I can.  I sort of assumed that since I had to lose my son that God wouldn't put anything else too hard in my life for a while.  But here I am and things are hard and not what I expect them to be and I am confused and angry about it.  I am now asking God "why?"  and not so much as why did Caleb have to die, because I know I will never understand that no matter how hard I try, but why are things happening the way they are now?  Why hasn't it gotten any easier?  Why has he led me to the place where I am at?

Obviously I am having not such a good day.  I love my family and am so grateful that God allowed us to have Elijah.  His grace is amazing and His blessings flow.  Realistically I know that I don't deserve anything more than what I have already gotten from Christ when He came to die for our sins....we did not even deserve that.  I do not want to seem ungrateful for what I do have as I know it could be worse...it always can be but I am struggling to see the good that I know is in my life.  I am broken and if anyone can understand that it's Christ himself.  He is the only healer of my soul.  Only He can take my brokenness and do something good from it.  And I pray that He does.

Love,
Miranda