I'm guilty

I'm guilty of something that I know better than to do.  I am guilty of doing the very thing that I have written about on my blog and chastised others for doing.  I stuck my foot in my mouth at the most inappropriate time and way.  On Monday I saw a friend that I haven't seen in a few months.  The last time we saw each other and spoke she shared the exciting news with me that she was going to have a grandson...her first grandchild.  Not long after being with her in the excitement of asking her about her Christmas I said "next Christmas you will have a new baby to enjoy" and I promise as the words were coming out of my mouth I thought "why am I saying this...I am presuming the baby is ok"  I shouldn't presume...I hated it when people presumed when I was pregnant with Elijah.  My theory of there are no guarantees hasn't changed and there I was asking a question that I KNOW not to ask.  I mean..other people may not know but I DO.  What was I thinking?  I regretted my question the second it came out of my mouth.  Why didn't I ask how the mom was doing? or how things were going with the pregnancy?  so to my dreaded fear and shock my dear friend looked at me and said "We lost the baby"  I wanted to fall in the floor.  Of all people...of all people I should have known how a question like that could break someone's heart.  How soon we forget.  How soon I have forgotten the devastation and tragedy of losing my baby boy.  The fact is...I haven't forgotten, I didn't forget.   I have been pushing it away trying NOT to remember.  I miss Caleb everyday and I think about him every. single. day...several times a day.  I miss him so much and I still have times that I start crying and can't stop.  Those moments have been coming a lot more often in the past month or so.  Seeing Elijah develop into this little boy with his own little personality and attitude just makes me miss Caleb so much more.  I constantly wonder what Caleb would be like crawling around here with us...babbling and learning to walk on his own.  This will never end...every milestone..every little new thing that Elijah does for the rest of his life I am going to wonder what Caleb would have done or been like.

My friend went on to tell me her daughter's story and how she lost the baby.  Hearing her words and listening brought so many emotions up again...emotions that I have not been dealing with.  Her story is not exactly like mine but it is similar and her feelings and words are similar.   The loss was in the hands of a careless and flippant doctor that ignored many concerns from a first time mom.  A Dr. who's actions could or could not have saved the babies life but who certainly did not do everything that he could have for the mother and who did not listen.  Sounds quite familiar.  As I think about this young mom and the bitterness that ensues from the dr.'s carelessness and the anger and sadness and grief that she will continue to face from burying her first born son, my heart is broken.  I do not wish this pain on anyone and to know that another woman is living those very very dark first several months after losing her baby right now is breaking my heart.  I think about those first few months and literally have no idea how I survived them.  I remember the agonizing pain then and I think about my pain now and it's different.  It's like a part of me that I have gotten used to and have learned to deal with.  The pain hasn't gone away.  I haven't stopped missing Caleb and I never will.  The devastation is no longer there and I have hope now and know that my life CAN go on.  I didn't think that at first..I couldn't see past the pain and devastation at first.  I thought I may feel that way forever and nothing or no one could change it.

I had a hard night last night... I cried after leaving my friend.  I cried for her and for the pain I still have in my heart.  I cried from the longing I have to see and know Caleb on this side of Heaven.  I cried because I love Elijah so much and he is the light of my life.  To love so much and hurt so much at the same time is almost unbearable at times.

It's been a hard 3 months and I have taken a hiatus from writing on my blog for various reasons.  Lots of changes going on....good but really hard changes.  Elijah has grown so much and he is such a joy in my life.  I fall in love with him more every day.