A Song

I am sure that everyone can relate to hearing a song and it taking you back to a place or time in your life and making you feel that moment or time in your life all over again like it was yesterday.  I do this a lot and most of the time it's happy thoughts...thoughts of growing up and spending time with my family or time when I was with my friends and we were acting crazy.  The beginning of the summer was really hard for me but it got better toward the end and my time at home with Elijah was great!  My days were filled with complete joy of spending time with him, loving on him and becoming more attached.  I went back to work last week and the students come back on Monday.  Of course it's been a busy and stressfull week getting ready.  My dad came and kept Elijah this week so he won't go to daycare until Monday.  Of course I am nervous and upset about it but I am trying to think positives thoughts about Elijah developing his social skills and making friends. 

This all brings me to today when I was driving home from work.  It was late of course and I was listening to the radio and I flipped to a station that was playing a song that brought all the feelings of missing Caleb back like a flood gate that had just opened up.  That's what happened too...the tears just came so quick and unexpectedly.  I have not cried in weeks and really haven't been that sad but today...today that song was it.  And the grief storm continues.  The song was "Bring the Rain" one of the first songs I listened to after Caleb died.  It's crazy how one song can bring on so many memories at once and throw me back into the hole that I am trying so desperately to climb out of.   It's hard but it is also part of who I am.  When I am feeling almost normal on some days and joyful I am almost scared that I am "moving on" from Caleb and forgetting about him.  I know that it's not true but it's really the thoughts that go through my head and heart.  If I am not crying about my child that is no longer here with me, does that mean that I don't miss him or love him?  So the song brought on some bad feelings but it also reminded me that I do still miss and love Caleb and I always will. 

On a more positive note...I haven't posted in a while because my computer is messed up but Michigan was so fun!  Elijah did great on the flight there and back from Detroit.  Except for a few mishaps on the way there and on the way back (they searched my carry on bag and Elijah's diaper bag and tested the water in his bottles) everything went well.  We went to lake Michigan and I put Elijah's toes in the water...he was not at all happy about it but we got a few funny pics. 

All in all I had a wonderful and awesome summer with Elijah.  Here are some pictures from the latter part of our summer.

This is in Michigan. Elijah loved my sister's dogs and was so excited to get to pet them!!

He wanted to eat their hair!

Watching cartoons with cousin Kaitlyn.

This is at home.  Where's Elijah?  I was babysitting my 2 yr old nephew and he insisted that Elijah needed all of his stuffed aninmals around him.

One more trip to the pool for the summer!

This is what Elijah and I were doing around 3:00-3:30 on most days this summer. 

I loved it!!

He still loves his highchair and chasing bowls all over it!

Elijah also loves bath time!

Out with friends and wearing one of their hats.

He will play in this thing for hours!!

I put this on him as I was doing laundry!  He thought it was hilarious! How cute is he??

More pics to come next week!

Love,

Miranda

Moving up!

Wow! Elijah is 7 months old today!!  A lot has happened in the past month for him.
Here's what Elijah has been up to:

He started eating in a high chair

He got a "big boy" car seat...he LOVES it.  No more fussing when we put him in the car.

His first laptop...it speaks 2 languages!!

We got a new stroller...

An exersaucer....lots of entertainment!

We also moved him from sleeping in his pack and play in our room (since we brought him home) to sleeping in his own room in his crib.

He's been to the Biltmore house...

to downtown Greenville, SC...

to the BEACH!!

we didn't actually take him to the beach for more than the 5 minutes it took us to put his toes in the sand and water.  He wasn't sure what to think!

We did take him to the lighthouse and by the pier at St. Simons to take some good pictures.

 

Oh my gosh he is getting so big and growing so fast! Everyday he seems to look different and everyday he does something new that is just so cute and precious.  My heart is full of joy and I am loving my time with him at home this summer.

And his summer is not over.  We are going to the lake today for the 4th of July and then Elijah and I are flying to Michigan to stay with my sister for a week.  A 7 month old on a plane by myself...hum..we will see how that goes!

I am a survivor...

As I have written many times before...it never ceases to amaze me the things that people say.  I KNOW it's hard to know what to say when such tragedies happen in life and I may have been one of those people before my own tragedy but it is my hope that awareness can be spread and we can all start to become more sensitive to the tragedies of other's lives before we open our mouths or pass judgement. 
I stumbled upon this recently and wanted to share it:

from Cheryl Haggard's Blog (The Haggard Family) by Cheryl Haggard (co-founder of Now I Lay me Down to Sleep)  http://haggardfamily.blogspot.com/

So, I was wearing my Maddux necklace the other day, and a lady asked me about it. I told her that was my son, Maddux. He died three 1/2 years ago. I went on to explain about the month of October being Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month, and this was a way for me to honor him during this time...She politely nodded her head, like she understood, and then she opened her mouth. "Oh my God! I would just die if something happened to one of my children." "How did you ever survive?"    Like I ever had a choice? How many times did I say I wished death would have taken me too? That only my death could ever stop my pain? That I have three other children at home, that needed a mother. How do I tell this to a stranger? Her question, for a moment made me feel like a failure. Like if I had been a good mother, I too would be dead. If we really loved our children, would we not die for them? Lay down our own lives?


Well, I stood there for a moment? Thought about her question. Then I opened my mouth. Yes, you heard me, I opened my mouth. I said, very politely, "I did die. My world was dark for such a long time. The person I was before my son does not exist anymore. Today, I stand before you, a new person, a stronger person, and a better mother. A person that can show empathy and compassion to a complete stranger." She looked at me, and I think she started to stutter out an apology. I stopped her and said "Please, no apology. You didn't say anything wrong, you said what you felt. Next time you meet a mother that has lost a child, and I am sure you will, just remember that a part of her did die. And that she is a survivor. A survivor of something there is no cure for, except that, of having her child back in her arms." Know what happened next?

She gave me a small hug, and whispered "Thank you..."

After Caleb died I had comments quite like the one given to Cheryl.  How did you ever survive?  Well... I just did.  And I still do.  What other choice do I have?   Believe me at Caleb's funeral I no doubt wanted to be buried right beside him and die too...but that's not how life works.  God's plan for my life included me living..surviving...to experience more life in abundance.  To be a mom to Elijah, to live life and yearn for Heaven, clinging to Him each day for strength and grace.

6 months

6 months ago yesterday I got to hold my first living child here on Earth.  It's been an exciting, fun, joyful 6 months with Elijah and we can't thank God enough for his life here with us.  He is at such a fun age and we love seeing him discover new things every day.  In the past week he: went to the lake for the first time,  went to his first Braves game, started squealing high pitched excited squeals, went from eating 4 oz to 6 oz suddenly and has gained about half a pound and hung out with his (girl) friend Hannah Mae.  It's been a busy week for my little man.  We are having a great summer!!

I remember being so excited when I got pregnant with Caleb thinking about having the whole summer off with him.  In my mind I planned out all these things that I wanted to do with him.  That was 2 years ago.  Last summer was really hard as Caleb would have been 6 months old as well in July and would be doing the things that Elijah is doing now.  I am finally getting to live out and do the things that I dreamed of and planned for Caleb and I.  I miss him so much.

Please pray for Josh and I.  We are having a really hard time and trying to work through our grief and the ways that it has affected us.  A lot of our grief has been suppressed as we have been dealing with the stress, anxiety and fear of being pregnant with Elijah and taking care of him in the past 6 months.  As it is getting a little easier to take care of Elijah it is all hitting us at once.  The grief is taking it's toll on us more now than ever and we are both worn down from it.  It's just so exhausting to deal with the pain day in and day out. 

Our friends Ebe and Chris came over last night with their sweet baby girl Hannah Mae.  They lost their first child in November 2007. Just like Caleb, sweet Owen went to Heaven before he was born.  It turned out that Ebe has the same blood clotting disorder that I do and also had to give herself Lovenox shots everyday during her pregnancy with Hannah Mae.  Hannah and Elijah are so cute together and we call them Lovenox babies.  You can read about Chris, Ebe, Owen and Hannah Mae on Ebe's blog. 

We didn't take many pictures at the lake but we did take a lot at the Braves game.  Elijah was SO good at the game.  It was raining when we first got there so we had to sit in the car and wait for it to pass.   Because of the rain delay the game lasted until 11:30.  Other than a 30 minute nap in Josh's lap he stayed awake the whole time and never cried or got fussy.  He's already a true Braves fan :)

Hanging out in the car waiting for the rain to stop

In front of my favorite Braves player's # growing up, Dale Murphy (also my favorite #!)

Go Braves!!

Passed out!

That's right, I'm a Braves fan!!

Elijah and Hannah Mae, our Lovenox babies hanging out!

Summertime!

Today was my first day of summer off work!  Elijah and I had fun spending the day together and when Josh got home we took Elijah for his first visit to the pool.  It was amazing to see him discover something new.

Playing on the bed while momma does laundry.

On the way to the pool.  Got my new smim gear on!

The excitement didn't last too long and I fell asleep by the time we got to the pool.

My first visit to the pool!